Yeah - S wants me to move the surgery up. OK. Fine. Whatever.

So I call K - the lady who schedules the surgeries. OK? She calls me back this afternoon and says that she can’t reschedule me until I’ve talked to Dr. K on the 15th and find out what she decides to do. WTF?!?! I’m getting so discouraged. I’m thinking - great, here I am planning everything, getting sitters lined up, putting my ducks in rows, etc, and what Dr. K gonna say, no? And why is it my age? Dr K had no problem with my age in March! It has to be these new medical conditions I’ve aquired over the summer. Can we say bigger surgical risk? Oh, goody! Then tell me what to do so I can have the surgery. Lose 30 pounds? Man, I’ll be exercising 3 hours a day! Unfortunatly there’s nothing I can do to drop the meds, though. The conditions I have are chronic. At least not the Trigeminal neuralgia - or at least that I know of. But I’ll jump through whatever hoops I have to. Why? Because right now I’m hopped up on vicodin, crying my eyes out in pain. This is utterly terrible. And hey, I’ll meet her half way. I’m willing. If she says “look, I’m willing to go in, take your left ovary and tube and burn all the endo I see but leave the uterus as long as it’s ok.” I’ll say fine. It’s not like I’m jumping around enthusiastic about menopause, ok. It will buy me some time - maybe 6 years or so like my mom.

But I’ll have to tell her what happened to my mom, and why that does worry me.

They took everything but one ovary out so my mom wouldn’t go through menopause. They thought they got all the endo, too. Then 6 years later my mom nearly died on the operating table because her other ovary had become necrotic. When they opened her up the surgeon said she literally filled with endo. All over her bowel and bladder and cul de sac. It took 2 surgeries to excise it all! They removed the dead ovary and saved my moms life. She says she wishes now she would’ve just chose menopause. When I asked what I should do - she said have them both removed.

I did my follow up with Gyno - S - this morning from the horrible ED trip from Saturday.

The verdict - she urged me to move that hysterectomy date back up to as early as possible to get those darn ovaries out!

I’ll talk to my husband tonight to see what can be done, if anything. I talked to my family and they seemed supportive, well, at least until I’m past 2 weeks post op. Then she thinks I can take care of my 3 year old as long as I don’t pick her up and such. I don’t know if I’ll be able to or not. I think this is because she had to do so after her hysterectomy because she had no one  to help her. My grandma is very, very old school - her mom was a Christian Scientist and died from colon cancer because she wouldn’t recieve treatment because she didn’t believe in doctors or medicine. Thus, my grandma was raised to grin and bear it and shut the heck up. She forgets, though, that during her time women didn’t work. They worked form the home and were in the neighborhood. And when one of other moms were sick or in bed for some reason, the other moms sort of rallied to the cause and brought food and helped with housework and took in that mother’s kid as their own. We don’t do this anymore in society because most mother’s are working! And the ones who aren’t probably don’t talk to their neighbors enough to trust them with their kids! So, in this modern society, who do we have to turn to when we are out of commission?

And I just love when my grandmother tells her hysterectomy story. She makes it sound like she was all alone with her and a kid - braving the tundra or some nonesence because my grandpa was trucking. But then later on she’ll slip in that my uncle and his new wife were living with them and how she ended up suffering so many complications from her hysterectomy that she only home for a few days before being put back in the hospital. She then underwent another surgery, staying in the hospital for 3 weeks this time. Then when she was released a week later she had more complications (I would’ve sued that surgeon!) and ended up in the hospital for like 4 more weeks! Then she’ll say how by the time she got out of the hospital she was ok to take care of the kid. Well… yeah 7 weeks AFTER my hysterectomy I’m sure I’ll be perfectly fine to take care of my 3 year old, too.

My sweet, loving husband just emailed me and said to move up the date. He doesn’t like seeing me in pain and doesn’t want me waiting. We’ll figure it out somehow. Please pray for me, guys. This situation is crazy. I really wish I would’ve had the full 8 weeks to work and get some money saved up for the 6 weeks off, but I guess I won’t be able to do that now. So I need all the prayers I can get.

This is what my u/s report said, according to the doctor:

1) enlarged uterus containing one IUD.

2) A cyst that hasn’t changed since January 08.

3) Free fluid in the cul de sac.

I am supposed to call my doctor in the morning. Goodie. Time to take my vicodin.

Was in ED last night until 3:30 am.

Had CT scan, ultrasound, tons of blood work, nasty pain meds, lots of vomiting, only to to discover the cyst I had in January is still there and hasn’t changed. I had another cyst and it must have burst because I do have free liquid in my pelvis from it. They ruled out everything instestinal, though, so my gyno can’t go down that route as an excuse.

Now let me warn people against this very powerful pain med called Dilantin, which is apparently another anti-epileptic medication? Now while it did knock the crap out of whatever nerve pain was going on down there, and believe me if I didn’t have the initial s/e I had to this I would be asking for this stuff by the truck load - the reaction I had was dreadful and scared my husband to death. Let me explain how this went down.

The nurse asks if I’ve ever had this stuff. I said I think I have, but not sure. It sounded familiar (now I know why - it’s a seizure med).

She gives me the Dilantin and this other new and improved nausea medicine (which then makes me vomit for the next hour!)

I then get incredible pain in both of my legs - she said this is the Dilantin

I get very hot - the Dilantic again.

I start to feel strange. I can’t focus. Feel like I’m going to pass out, but not sure. I’m just odd.

The next thing I know I have my husband and a nurse staring over me yelling.

Apparently, I freaked my husband out because I suddenly stopped talking and my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I become unresponsive for a few minutes. The next thing I know I’m covered in sweat and burning up. - the nurse is glad I’m ok and reassures my husband it’s just the medicine.

When it came time for meds again, I refused the Dilantin in favor of Vicodin. I would rather feel some pain and not have a seizure. That was a scary feeling, not remembering what happened to last who knows how many minutes of your life.

I’m in pain - been since yesterday - well since, what last week or 2. It’s that darn cyst! I assume.

I haven’t been able to eat or drink much in the past 2 day because I’m like early pregnancy queasy. Yesterday, for the first 3 hours upon waking up I couldn’t keep anything down! Now I just can’t stomach anything. Hubby took me to walk in clinic, and a really nice nurse took me in a room and explained that at walk-in clinic they pretty much have the capacitity to deal with flu’s, coughs, ear infections, and bladder infections, etc. Then she said she would go ahead and test my urine (for free - how nice) to see if it was a bladder infection, or possible kidney infection causing my flank pain. See, around 9 last night I started having nasty sharp pain all along my left side. With heating pad help, I was able to fall asleep. Woke up at one point during the night and thought I was going to vomit. Got back to sleep only to wake up worse off and with that pain still there - and the ovary pain! I barerly scarfed down a small donut so I could take my morning meds, but my beloved morning coffee wasn’t liking me. I took three sips and wasn’t having anymore.

So around 10, after being uncomfortable, I made the hubby cart me to walk-in-clinic. They couldn’t do anything other than dip urine for infection - which at least I know it’s not an infection, which if what I figured I had. I thought maybe I have an infection and that’s what making this cyst hurt so much? But the nurse urged me to go to ER. And I might as the day wears on. I told my husband I will go to ER if A) I start throwing up more (ie. actual food again and not this dry heaving crap) B) the pain gets worse or C) I start running a fever. But until then he took my son to see Star Wars: Clone Wars and my sister took my daughter and I’m going to take a nap. Then if I feel like it, which I better, I need to do some PR homework that I’ve been trying to do for 2 days but can’t seem to focus on—- hmmm I wonder why???

I got a call yesterday late afternoon from K at Dr.’s office.

Apparently they have these like round table meetings to discuss all the upcoming surgeries in a month - I know how things work - so I wasn’t shocked, but I was still not sure why she was calling me. The first thought was “crap. It’s being cancelled.”

Dr. wants to have a sit down with me on Sept. 15th to discuss the hysterectomy. Of frackin’ lovely! I’m not an idiot. I know what’s brought this on.

When I went for the cyst and saw S (who I don’t like but L was leaving for good and I can no longer see her ever again) and was told it was time for hysterectomy time, S became all “you know you’re young… blah blah blah…” and then commented that she was going to talk to Dr. about this. Great. I had this ironed out already with Dr. and L in March!!!! *doing my best kid stomping and throwing a fit dance* What is the problem now? Is it my age? Really? I can give you a list of women I’ve talked to — including a current teacher of mine, who’ve had this done in their 20’s. Is is my laundry list of medical conditions? Fine, if my doctor doesn’t clear me, then we’ll find something else to manage this. But there will be something done! Even if they just go in and take that ovary out, it will get done!!!

Right now I’m just frustrated - which seems to me a reccuring theme! I’m working on homework, my son road the bus to his first full day of school, I’m returning to work this afternoon, and I’m in pain. I’m, frankly, an emotional wreck at this point! I so don’t need the headache from the Dr’s giving me trouble over this surgery. Why can’t it all just fall neatly into place and work like it should???

This post will be short and sweet.

My semester started yesterday. Gulp. My son began his first day of kindergarten this morning. Tears. I’m so busy I can’t begin to fathom the business. My daughter still isn’t getting used to her glasses. Ugh.

School - I have 4 classes this semester. No where the insane 7 class load from last semester, so it would probably feel like a cake walk if I weren’t trying to shorten it into 2.5 months. Right? But I want out of school and if I can shorten this semester, then I can return early. And if I can return early the next semester then I’ll graduate early (yay!). But I’ll still come back and walk in May. Why? Because I earned it. My brother in law went to college four years and graduated early like I may do. He began working and on graduation day he want and watched his best bud walk. What? He wasn’t interested in walking. Dude, I would’ve been like “give me that cap and gown and watch me strut my stuff!” And with the grades I’m managing at this insanely tough private school - I think I’ve earned it. Ok. When it’s 1 am and I’m tired, I’ve got half a page left to write on a paper or a few pages left to read in a chapter, I think of that cap and gown and that ceremony and it keeps me going. It’s my goal. Only one cousin in my family has graduated college, so I’ll be my grandma’s second grandkid to graduate. None of her kids did it. A couple of her grandkids have 2 year degrees, but they are in liberal arts and they now work in a factory. I’ll be the second one in my family to walk in a cap and gown in a University graduation ceremony. And I still can’t believe with all the crap I’ve been through since I had Erin and decided to go back to school, that I’ve maintained such excellent grades. It’s unbelievable.

But next semester I have only 3 classes and then I’m out! Graphic Novels: Cavewalls to Celluloid, Literature and Mythology, and Photojournalism. Nothing like your last semester being a handful of fun electives, right?

Ok - so this post is getting too long. I need to shorten it by signing off. I have to start my Physical Fitness homework (this class is a breeze (teachers words -not mine)).

for a change..

This was on Rebecca’s blog and it looked so neat that I just had to try it out. I think my photo mosaic turned out cool and would be interested in seeing everyone elses. Have fun. Not sure why WordPress likes adding these things so tiny, but if you just click on it the image will enlargen. The ever so handsome James McAvoy is in the center - and in my opinion, that’s all the reason to click and ogle.

And because I’m an idiot and didn’t post how to do one of these the first time, let me do so now. Again, I stole this list from Rebecca’s blog (link above). Thanks.

Surgery is now to be scheduled for October 28.

This sucks cause I’ll miss Halloween. I’ll still be able to make the kids’s costumes before hand, but won’t be able to walk around with them. I always take them to my hubby’s office for trick or treat. I love Halloween. And my son wants to be a Jedi and my daughter wants to be Yoda - as a geek, I’m so proud. lol This was going to be such a huge Halloween. And Thanksgiving will be a quiet afternoon to myself while my husband and kids go to his moms (we talked about him staying home and we do something but I told him it’s his mom’s tradition and she makes better food than I do) so he can bring me home a HUGE plate of food and pie (his brother makes the BEST pie ever) and some of his sister’s cookies (they, too, are good). And I’ll just probably sleep through the afternoon and when he gets home I’ll eat my own little Thanksgiving dinner while being thankful for my hotflashes and moodswings. lol. Plus, it can give him some vent time away from me. He’ll probably need it by then - hopefully not but who knows what I’ll be like in those weeks post hysterectomy. I’ve heard if you go into it with an open mind and know you need this and this is what you want, then your outcome is more favorable than those who mourn the loss of their parts.

Complications from surgery scares me more than menopause. Not waking up from surgery and seeing my kids grow up, that’s what scares me. But I can’t let my mind wonder on that. I have to remember that it’s better to do this now than when it become out of control like it had with my mother (she was literally filled with endo) and need several surgeries to remove the stuff and nearly die from it. And she was my age.

My husband and I talked last night and felt it would be best to see if I can postpone the surgery until the later part of October. September 23rd is just not very convenient. As long as I can deal with the discomfort, it’s doable. I’m willing to try to get things more in order and have our eggs all in a basket, so to speak, before going under the knife for such a major surgery. The hubby will be out of town for four day in the second week of October - my sister needs to find a job (so I don’t want her not doing that so she can take care of my kids) - and my other sister works and doesn’t have vacation time (she’s upset about that) - my grandma can’t handle my daughter for longer than an hour or two (3 yr old wild childs and 77 yr old grouchy people mix like oil and vinegar) - my dad is willing but unreliable (if someone invites him fishing or he feels like fixing his van, he’ll pawn her off on my grandma or his wife who can’t handle her either because she’s had about 5 mini strokes and one big stroke). I’ve called my mom, and my sister has called my mom and  offered to pay for her plane ticket, given her a kid-free place to sleep at night (my sister who lives down the road and has no kids), free food, she can even take off on the weekends and do as she pleases cause we won’t need her (that means she can go north and visit her brother and sister). You’d think she’d jump at the chance - her daughter needs her. She doesn’t work. She’s not doing anything! Yet she has a host of excuses and finally around 10:30 last night I told my husband I give up on her. It would’ve been nice to have my mom here helping me, especially after she told me how hard it had been for her when she, too, was 28 and had her hysterectomy. But SHE had her MOTHER who drove a 16 hour drive in a gas guzzling RV to help for 2 weeks and a neighbor lady who didn’t work. I have a few grandma’s who are too old to really handle my daughter long term.

My husband is trying to get me to postpone it a little longer so he can save up some time. He’s gonna try and talk his boss into letting him work from home some days, as well. He said push comes to shove, he can always take a week unpaid. But with what he makes, that’s going to hurt.

I’m just going to trust in God because I know he’ll get me and my family through this - the surgery, the recovery, and menopause. I just wish he had given me better parents.