Up last night

It happened again – late last night, I received the visit. Endometriosis came to call. The ringing doorbell… an excruciating buzz that said “I’m at your door. It’s too late to hide under the table; I see you,” reverberated in my ears.

I mustered the strength through the nagging pain in my groin – that same gut wrenching pain that’s been there, off-and-on, twisting me into tears and making my life a living hell – and reached for my EndoFEMM. Warmth. Relaxing. Finally. The pain still nags my groin. It wraps around my back, stretches into my legs and inner core. 

My bowels cramp. My bladder spasms. My ovary cries for mercy. My body screams, “please, just shoot me!” I seize into a ball of tense, heated pain. I give in – it’s winning, this Endometriosis. It’s winning.

Into the kitchen I walked clasping the heating pad to my weaping pelvis. On the microwave stands a bottle, like the rest of the them – it’s brown, transparent, a Walgreen’s prescription. “Vicodin” it reads, but only one pill remains at the bottom of the bottle. Do I take it, I ask myself. Am I in that much pain? Then a stabbing, burning, gnawing pain seizes my groin through the heated blanket I have pressed firmly at my side, and I grab the bottle from the microwave.

Now it’s today… the pain is there, not as bad, but there. There are no pills left. No pills available.


3 responses to “Up last night

  1. It’s sad that those of us who live in chronic pain actually under-treat our pain due to the fear of not actually having our pain meds when and if the pain happens to get worse. It’s a sign that our pain is certainly not taken seriously, and woefully mismanaged by our medical team. Did you know that according to research, those with chronic pain develop a psychological addiction only 1% of the time? And yet, that’s the excuse supplied by not helping us to treat our pain.

    There’s also evidence that when long-term pain exists our CNS (Central Nervous System for those who don’t do acronyms) fills with more pain receptors and over time becomes sensitized. This leads to us developing a hypersensitivity towards what might have been previously non-painful stimuli. What a vicious cycle we live; we under-treat our pain, we get pain. While if we treat our pain, we’re accused of being drug addicts. Since pain is one major cause of non productivity both in our personal and professional lives, wouldn’t it be cheaper to treat the original pain than to wait until our central nervous systems have become saturated enough with pain receptors resulting in chronic pain before being taken seriously?

    Hope you feel better soon!

  2. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

  3. I agree with everything M said above. I had a dropped ovary once and the pain I had from that was agonizing so I can only imagine what you must go through with endo.

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