There are times we need a large bottle of courage. We could chug this courage, feel it trickling down our throats, and filling our bellies with bravery.
Alas, no such thing exists.
Medical events come up when dealing with chronic illness. It’s par for the course. We have MRI’s, CAT scans, PET scans, surgeries, epidural and other pain relieving methods, EKGs, EEGs, just name it, we’ve had it or will have it.
That doesn’t make them fun, or easier to deal with as time goes by. I remember going into my first surgery. This was a new experience and I was scared. I had never been “put under”, never sliced open, never….
Then when the second surgery came along, I was extremely nervous. Why? Because I knew what would happen. Knowing, in this case, made it more real.
With that surgery, I experienced mild anesthesia awareness. I was aware of the surgical crew talking. Then after the surgery, I was plagued with nightmares of myself watching the surgery and hearing the doctors work. There were things happening in these dreams that I later confirmed with my surgeon as actually happening. They are in the surgical notes, which I only read at my post-op 6 week check!
So, this makes me nervous and completely unwilling to go under again! What if I feel this time? What if I feel EVERYTHING? What if I hear EVERYTHING? I can’t take the chance.
I’m currently experiencing a medical problem – completely different from the endometriosis and hopefully not of chronic nature – which I may need major surgery for. As difficult as this surgery is, the 3-4 hours under the knife prospect scares me! If I had an out-of-body experience with a short 45 minute surgery, what could happen with this longer one?!?!
Again… my friends… I need a large bottle of courage juice.